Author Archives: Pastor John Keller

About Pastor John Keller

I am a Lutheran pastor serving Intentional Interim Ministry in the Saint Paul Area Synod of the ELCA

Riding Into the Darkness

16460554715_7e0e09e482_c Last month I wrote here about the disappointment I felt when a physician diagnosed my chronic knee pain as the early stages of osteoarthritis. She said that my marathon running days were over. Her diagnosis has felt like a dark shadow creeping into my life, robbing me of my identity as a runner. I recognize that I am over reacting. After all I can still walk and bike and paddle and swim. I can remain active if I choose. Yet running remains something I embrace, something I share with many of my buddies, even in the dark days of winter.

The season of Advent comes during the shadowy, short days of December. In Minnesota we often drive to and from work in the dark. It is challenging to find ways to get outdoors for exercise. Thus the darkness often can be internalized. A favorite Advent scripture verse captures the season’s gloom and yet offers hope.

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light, those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shined. (Isaiah 9:2)

One recent Saturday two of my running buddies invited me for a winter bike ride. We each have one of those fat tire bikes that make possible riding in snow. It was still dark as we started off, our headlamps pointing the way. As we rode the Gateway Trail, the sun rose and the clouds turned pink and red. It was beautiful morning and I gave thanks for chance to ride with friends. I adapted Isaiah, thinking, “Those who ride in darkness have seen a great light.”

I continue to miss running. When I drive pass runners, I feel a pang of sorrow. I wish that I could tie up my running shoes and go for a quick run around the local trails. Yet I recognize that my emotional attachment to running will fade and that I am capable of finding other ways to be outdoors. My identity as a runner is not my core. My simple daily prayer has become, “Lord, let me rest in my identity as your beloved child.”

As Isaiah states, “a great light shines.” The promise of God’s love continues to illuminate our days. Jesus’ birth is celebrated in the depth of winter because Christ is the light of the world that shines in our darkness. On Sunday, with the whole church, I can sing

Silent Night, Holy Night, Son of God, love’s pure light!
Radiant beams from thy holy face,
With the dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus, Lord, at thy birth, Jesus, Lord, at thy birth.

Gate Closed

22 Replies

Yesterday a gate closed for me. Others may close in the coming months and years. All are a part of the growing older.

Grand Valley

Last summer I backpacked in the Olympic National Park and my first day included a two thousand foot descent into Grand Valley. It was late in the afternoon and my right knee began to ache as I dropped altitude rapidly. I took some ibuprofen that night and hiked on.

When I returned home and started running again I notice that my right knee became sore after most runs. It usually subsided in a few hours, but not always. Occasionally the pain and discomfort woke me up at night. In late September after a full day bike ride, I noticed the discomfort as I drove home. I stopped running and biking. The pain continued. I started a series of trips to my family physician, an MRI, and finally Dr.Andrea Saterbak , a respected orthopedic surgeon who is the team physician for the US Ski team.

I went in knowing from the MRI that I had a torn meniscus but that it was “complex” tear. Many meniscus tears can be “repaired” with arthroscopic surgery. Friends had told me of their surgery and how they were back running within weeks. I hoped my story would be the same with a successful arthroscopic surgery soon behind me.

After examining my knee and while looking at the MRI Dr. Andrea Saterbak said emphatically, “This cannot be repaired by surgery.” Then she wrote at the top of on my treatment plan, “Early Osteoarthritis in Right Knee.”

She asked, “What exercise do you use to stay fit?”

“Running. I like to run marathons.”

“I don’t think marathons are in your future,” She responded.

A gate closed for me as she said this. She went on to explain that the pounding of running will aggravate the knee further, resulting in more arthritis. My heart sank a bit as she carefully explained that my tear was more like a “frayed” meniscus and that orthopedic surgery would only aggravate the joint and cause further pain. She didn’t rule out running entirely, but she emphasized I will need to be gradual in my approach and see how my knee responds.

Other aerobic sports will need to be monitored as well, including biking and hiking. Especially long downhill descents like the one I did last summer into Grand Valley. She said a specialized knee brace may be helpful for such adventures and she gave me a referral for the brace. The gates to bikes and hikes may be closing as well, but it is too early to know.

She gave me a four point treatment plan.

1. Lose 10 pounds (mostly by restricting calorie intake)

2. Cortisone Injection (she gave me one before I left)

3. Low impact activity

4. NSAIDS (Ibuprofen occasionally as needed).

I walked out of her office disappointed but not devastated. I could look for a second opinion. Dr. Saterbak said that I could probably find a surgeon who would arthroscopically “trim” the meniscus, but I would be back in the surgeon’s office complaining about pain and inflammation within six months. Overall, I trusted Dr. Saterbak’s experience, diagnosis and treatment plan. I may not like what she said, but that does not invalidate it.

My practice of Centering Prayer, a form of Christian meditation, has strengthened over the past three years. Centering Prayer has a corollary prayer called the Welcome Prayer in which I am instructed to welcome whatever new circumstance may enter my daily life with the prayer, “Welcome, Christ, in the midst of this new circumstance.” Whether it is a pleasant experience that I enjoy or drudgery that I wish to avoid, God will be present in my response. With this diagnoses of osteoarthritis I am practicing the Welcome Prayer as follows “Lord, I may not like this diagnosis, but You are here in the midst of it and I welcome you and ask you to help me respond with grace and compassion – towards my body, my community and you.”

One thought I have embraced is that this diagnosis is not life-threatening. I will not die tomorrow or next month. It is life-changing and that is the part I am seeking to understand and affirm.

Now I could respond with requests for healing, but somehow that seems unwise. God could miraculously heal my knee, but then I would miss out on what God is teaching me in the midst of this situation. I believe that God is present as I rethink, refocus and deepen my trust in God.

The diagnosis is still fresh and my emotions and thoughts are processing. This blog post is part of that process. I will probably write more in the coming weeks and month.

Thanks for taking time to read this. Peace be with you.

“My own congregation”

Microadventure

4 Replies

My friend, Bob Timmons, wrote an article for the Minneapolis Star Tribune called “Making 2017 a year for microadventure in Minnesota’s outdoors” He inspired me to consider my own micro-adventure: a two night winter campout at Gooseberry Falls State Park.

Though I have done plenty of summer camping and backpacking, I have never tried winter camping. Living in a state best known for winter, I had to try.

I started by simply setting up my tent in the backyard to see if two sleeping pads and two sleeping bags would be sufficient. Also to see if my CPAP machine for sleep apnea would work on battery power. Though it only dropped to 28 degrees that night, I was warm and the CPAP worked fine.

Next I invited my son and grandson to enjoy an overnight campout at a nearby state park. I had purchased a new 6 person tent and wanted to test it out prior to the Gooseberry Falls trip. The weather was fairly warm, about 30 degrees for the night low. We all fun, so my plan moved forward.

Son Jon and Grandson Jack at William O’Brien State Park

I arrived at Gooseberry Falls State Park on the North Shore of Lake Superior at about 3 pm. I discovered that the plowed roads had only four campsites; the other campsites were available but I would need to hike through icy snow. I was the only camper in the park and picked one assessable by car.

My micro-adventure had several lessons to teach me. All of Minnesota had been experiencing a recent warm spell which melted all the snow in the Twin Cities. However at Gooseberry Falls there was still some snowpack, but most of it had a thick glaze of ice which made footing treacherous. There was an open patch for my tent, but the ground was still frozen and my aluminum tent pegs were bending prior to penetrating the soil. Lesson one: find alternative tent pegs or ways to secure tent.

I brought plenty of clothes with the idea of trying various layers. My basic down coat and three lower layers all worked well, but my hands were cold much of the first evening. I was wearing thick gloves but probably should have worn mittens with liner gloves. Lesson two: explore different glove/mitten options.

It was nearly dark by the time I finished setting up my tent and got a fire going. My dinner was fairly simply to fix but I hadn’t organized my cooking gear in any reasonable way. With the light of my headlamp I was able to find the needed items, but only after searching several bags or boxes. And with heavy gloves the search was more difficult. Lesson three: organize cook gear prior to leaving home.

The night sky was brilliant with stars; Venus, Orion and the Big Dipper clearly visible. After enjoying the campfire and a last cup of tea, I climbed into my tent to sleep. I was not worried about bears (hibernation) and the night was clear so I left several items on the picnic table as I went to bed. I did bring the water bag into the tent to avoid freezing.

My CPAP machine worked but breathing cold air kept waking me up. When I climbed out of my sleeping bag at 7:00 am and opened the tent, I was surprised to see three-inches of snow covering all the gear left on the picnic table. Lesson four: put gear away even on a clear night.

I spent the day hiking the trails of Gooseberry falls and taking a few pictures. The problem remained the patchy glare ice, especially troublesome with the fresh snow covering it. Though I used my trekking poles and extreme caution, I still fell four or five times during the day. The austere scenery kept me moving forward. Lesson five: micro-spikes?

Where the Gooseberry River enters Lake Superior

Gooseberry Falls

Gooseberry River and Lake Superior in the snow

Lake Superior in Winter Sunlight

The second evening and night were colder, probably 11 degrees, and I thought about nearby warm motels. But my goals was two nights so I stayed in my tent through the night, got up, made breakfast, packed up and headed home by 9 am. Thus forty continuous hours outside is my first microadventure of 2017. What is yours?

Completion

4 Replies

One thing I rarely have experienced in my three decades of pastoral ministry is a sense of completion. Unlike a contractor who sees a completed home or an artist who holds a completed piece, I have rarely felt like I had finished a long-term task. I may have finished a pastoral visit or a Sunday sermon, but there were always more visits to make and sermons to write. The job of pastor, by its nature, was never finished.

Trinity Lutheran in Lindstrom, MN

So when I ended my thirteen month interim at Trinity Lutheran Church in Lindstrom last week, I was surprised that my dominant emotion has been a sense of satisfaction. I had accomplished the specific job I was called to do. I had been their temporary shepherd as they took time to grieve the departure of their previous senior pastor, to assess their present mission and leadership needs and to call a new senior pastor. Now they are ready as a congregation to walk forward into God’s future.

Yes, there are other emotions. I feel sadness at leaving some great relationships. As a pastor I shared in the joy of baptisms and the sorrows of funerals. Together we struggled how to faithfully steward a large bequest to the congregation. I truly enjoyed working with Trinity’s leadership of council and committees as together we sought God’s path for Trinity. I will miss many gracious people.

What my recent study and practice of mindfulness has taught me is that all things change. As a pastor I intellectually knew this, but never fully embraced it. All pastoral ministries come to an end. As an intentional interim pastor I recognized this from the start. I practiced “living one day at a time, enjoying each moment at time,” as the Serenity Prayer says. Some days I did become anxious, trying to control the outcome. But during my final weeks at Trinity, as they prepared for the arrival of their new pastor, I took time to be grateful for the opportunity to serve and to savor the satisfaction of my call’s completion.

At this time, I do not know where my next interim will be. I am reminded of Psalm 121,

The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time on and forevermore.

For now, I rest during my personal interim.

When have you experienced a sense of completion? How did you respond to it?

Thanksgiving 2016

Reflecting on the Election

4 Replies

Tuesday evening, I sat down to watch the election results. I had voted several weeks earlier and was expecting Hillary Clinton to win. The polls, the main-stream media, my thinking all said, “It may be close, but Hillary will win.” But as the night and morning unfolded, it became clear that Donald Trump would be our next president.

question I felt a wave of disappointment, sadness and surprise flow through my body. I recognized my body’s reaction and simply sat with those feeling for a while. I also noticed my thinking racing to all kinds of scenarios, “How will President Trump handle Vietnam (where my son’s company does business)” “How will he handle health care, Syria, national disasters, immigrants, global warming, women’s issues?” . . . on and on.

As I stepped back from my stream of thoughts, I realized that nothing has actually changed as of right now. President Obama is still our President and will be for two months. President-elect Trump will be making decisions in the future that will change our country and my life, but until he actually makes the changes, it is not helpful or healthy for me to be consumed with worry. I have had a habit of catastrophizing or magnifying the importance of things and situations out of proportion to reality. In the past, my thinking would focus on the election of Donald Trump as the possible end of the world. It is not. It is not what I voted for, but it is not a disaster.

As I write that, I realize that President Trump will have tremendous power and the potential to do much harm (as well as much good) for people. Some of his campaign rhetoric greatly disturbed me. But right now they are words and not policy or legislation. I will need to be vigilant as to what policies and legislation does come forth, but to be consumed with anger or anxiety at this moment seems unproductive and unhealthy.

I know that many of my fellow Americans are responding differently. I am mindful that my response is not for everyone. I am mindful of St. Paul’s pastoral advice in Romans 12:15-16 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. I realize that some of my friends and colleagues are rejoicing in this election with the hope of change while others are weeping at the same prospect. I am not wise enough to know how to help all of them other than to be a peaceful, loving presence in the midst of great confusion.

I continue to pray that God’s Kingdom will come and God’s will be done. Amen.

Rocks

Prayer

1 Reply

I have written in the past regarding the difficulties I have had “staying present” to the trail. My mind would get stuck in some endless loop of worries, narratives, thoughts and concerns that often pulled me away from my time in the wilderness. I would be lost in some past experience or future anxiety; my thoughts raced everywhere but on the trail itself. My 2016 trip had some of that, but much less than the past. My daily practice of meditation has quieted (but not tamed) the wild beast.

04-0815-granite-pass-1-2 Part of my practice on this trip was to deliberately take time in the morning to practice lovingkindness meditation, something I learned in my Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class. Jon Kabat-Zinn in his book Full Catastrophe Living describes the practice

To practice lovingkindness meditation, we begin with awareness of our breathing. Then we consciously invite feelings of love and kindness towards ourselves to arise, perhaps remembering a moment when we felt completely seen and accepted by another human being and inviting those feelings of kindness and love to re-emerge. . . . Then perhaps saying inwardly to ourselves simple phrases that you can make up yourself, “May I be free from inner and outer harm, may I be healthy.” After a time we can then go on, if we care to, to invoke someone else, perhaps a person we are close to and care deeply about. We can hold the person in our heart as we wish the person well: “May she (he) be happy, may she (he) experience love and joy.” In the same vein we may then include others we know and love. (page 214-215).

I see this as a form of intercessor prayer and have adapted it to my own meditation practice. On the trail each morning, I would invest time reciting the following prayer, starting with myself,

May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be filled with peace and ease.
May I be strong and alert.
May I be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I then expanded the prayer to my family and to those I know. As the hike went on, my circle of names grew wider and wider: the thru-hikers I met, the trail crews clearing trail, the National Forest administrators and staff. Often I ended including the whole creation.

Praise the Lord from the earth, you sea monsters and all deeps, fire and hail, snow and frost, stormy wind fulfilling his command! Mountains and all hills, fruit trees and all cedars! Wild animals and all cattle, creeping things and flying birds! Kings of the earth and all peoples, princes and all rulers of the earth! Young men and women alike, old and young together! Let them praise the name of the Lord, for his name alone is exalted; his glory is above earth and heaven. Psalm 148:7-13

Each morning, after my time of prayer, I discovered that I was centered and at peace. I could actually be present on the trail through the rest of the day.

What forms of prayer bring you peace?

Savor

8 Replies

Very early in the hike a single word came to mind, SAVOR. To take time and simply be on the trail surround by grandeur and expansive space. So I did. Though I had many miles to cover each day, I also took time to simply stop and soak in the view.

To Savor

As the Serenity Prayer states, To Enjoy One Moment at a Time.

In my day-to-day world of ministry, my schedule can be filled with meetings, appointments and tasks. On the trail I wanted to embrace the empty schedule. To simply BE. To savor the opportunity to hike a trail surrounded by rocky peaks and steep valleys.

The second night I noticed the tag line on my freeze dried dinner – Savor The Adventure. I can honestly say I did.

Savor The Adventure

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

When and how do you savor life?